i guess it hits me so hard because i also grew up with it snowing every winter, enough that we could go sledding on the hill by the graveyard and to build snowmen during kindergarten playtime. i used to drag my brother on a sled across the church yard pretending to be a husky.
but that was in the 90s, and early 00s. the last time that i remember "proper" snow in my home city was 2012 when we had a prper snowstorm but before that it had already been drastically declining with every year. there is another snow storm hitting that city now, but thats far from the norm – the most we would get in the last ten years is a day or two of a few flakes drifting down from the sky and instantly disintegrating when they hit the asphalt. its fucking depressing. it didnt use to be like this.
and now i live here, i get proper winters again and snow every year and i am very happy about that, but i wish my first reaction to the snow would be happiness and not dread? because the people who have lived here for their whole lives also tell me "it didnt use to be like this", the snow used to hit much earlier and then stay, for months at a time. yes, there is snow, but for a week or two at a time and then it melts and comes back a while later.
and every time it snows here my reaction is yay snow! and then almost instantly oh god, the same thing is going to happen here. in ten, maybe twenty years, the snow will be almost gone.
its scary to be in the generation to see climate change happen in real time and its so, so fucking depressing and everywhere i notice it makes me want to scream and cry and throw up, i hate that there is this type of drastic change happening, irreversible, and all i can do is stand and watch. not in a "wow im such an environmentally conscious person and the only person on planet earth to #care" or whatever but its so heartbreaking and everything seems so hopeless when i think about it for just a second too long. everything i do feels pointless.
well. ive had many conversations with my therapist about this. hate to say it, but that shit actually works sometimes.
"allow yourself five minutes to be upset about it, cry or scream if you want to, stomp your feet or hit the wall – and then move on" is a skill she's practiced with me for so many other things but it also works surprisingly well in this case. if i get all of the misery out first, i can then close that box until the next time and focus on appreciating what is actually in front of me and allow myself to be happy about it. yay! snow! ♡
"if you cant change anything about it, you can take on the role of someone who remembers" because of course someone has to. not just me, its not like im the only one to remember fucking snow, but i do feel like the more people make a conscious effort to take in every detail and memorise it, the bigger the impact. if we cant save this planet, we can still love it for every second we are allowed to be here and keep the memories. we at least owe her that, right? not to get all spiritual.
theres this childrens book about mice preparing for winter where all the mice collect grains and berries and straw, but this one mouse focusses all his attention on taking in the view and soaking up the sun and when winter hits, he keeps everyone warm with the stories of summer. i think about that book often, it used to be one of my favourites as a kid. i think we are already doing something similar for future generations by taking pictures and videos that will be able to show the people a hundred years from now what nature used to look like, but it never hurts to preserve the emotional memories as well i suppose. its a nice thought at least.
so maybe its stupid and extremely naïve, but when i look at nature now, whether its the snow, the trees, the ocean, i make a conscious effort to take in the details and try to make little mental pictures of the scenery in my mind. and think really really hard i love you and hope that there is something about nature that is sentient enough to feel it.
i love you, i love you, i love you.
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